As Facebook so kindly reminded me this afternoon, I published a blog post on this day one year ago, when I was in the habit of posting for a class I was taking at WTS. I just re-read it, and there are a lot of similarities to what I want to write today! If you missed it the first time, check it out here: Rhythm, or Lack There Of.
A year ago, I was trying to figure out what I was running from. My head was constantly spinning, my schedule was beyond busy, and I felt out of control. Through some self-searching and great conversations, I realized that I was so scared of how my own brain worked that I was keeping busy to avoid myself. I was scared of my own head, and busyness was my way of running away from that unknown thing. While my dealings with myself and my head have changed and improved since that post a year ago, I’ll admit to you here that I am still largely scared of my own head. My head still spins and I feel like I’m in a race that keeps speeding up when I can barely walk.
I came across a post on Pinterest (my most favorite obsession) the other day that talked about facing yourself in the mirror each morning, and how doing that when you don’t always like yourself is the biggest step of bravery that you can take. It’s stuck with me this week, because I’m in a spot right now where I’m not sure how I feel about myself. Self-confidence has never been my most consistent attribute, and even though I can put on a great face when I need to, I often am full of doubt and fear (with a pinch of self-loathing for good measure, most days).
I’m caught in one of the “ebbs and flows” that define my life – some moments, I’m super happy with who I am and how I look and what my life is like, and then hours later, I’m in tears because of the negative thoughts that rip through my head and my heart. I know part of this is tied to my ADHD and GAD – my brain spins so fast that thoughts come out of no where, and my moods swing frequently. I’ve learned that about myself in the past week.
This week has been interesting to say the least. There were mountaintops of successful Pinewood Derby events, fun times with friends and family, sunny days and good food – but there were also pits of stress and exhaustion and homework and feeling the weight of changing (and maybe losing) friendships. I depend so much on other people for my worth and happiness, and that doesn’t always help with the up’s and down’s.
As I write this tonight, I’m realizing something: I can explain all of these things to you with words and personality types and Enneagram numbers and diagnoses. However, that doesn’t change the pace of my life – it changes how I handle my life. I can’t slow my brain down, I can’t erase my love for people or how easily I’m hurt by them, and I can’t predict the ebbs and flows that dictate my days. This is really hard for me, because I love to plan and have answers and know the ways my days will go. But the reality is – I can’t.
And can’t is okay. It’s not easy, but it’s okay.
I’m learning to be okay with not being in control. I’m learning to be great in the great days and okay in the bad days. As I just told Kelly the other day – “so far, I have 100% success rate of surviving bad days. and the ones to come won’t be any different”.
So here’s to the great days and the not-so-great ones, and the ebbs and flows of life that we can explain but can’t always understand – but most importantly, to the God that we know never leaves or changes no matter what our lives may bring.